Sweet Disarray

There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've been so negative lately. Not lately. But for a long time before lately.

I know why and it is, upon reflection, totally understandable, but I need to stop now.

Yubo and I had a conference with C's teacher last week to discuss some behavior that she observed. C is a very well-behaved child with some very intense emotions and, for awhile, I have been feeling more and more ill-equipped to deal with his behavior when he's upset. C's teacher is an amazing, intuitive, gentle woman and I like and trust her very, very much. But when it came down to it, her advice had the distinct air of "it's not him, it's you." That stung and was hard to take at first, but eventually I realized that even if she couldn't possibly know everything, that didn't mean she wasn't right, at least in good part. She gave us a list of suggestions - really concrete, helpful things - and that helped me to feel like it really was possible to change my attitude. To stop, be more detached from his negative behavior, not get wrapped up in it, be happy, let go, move on.

So that's what I've been trying to do. And it's really helping.

It's still hard, and I still get angry and feel really negative sometimes, but this relatively minor attitude adjustment has opened a window for me into how huge and oppressive the storm cloud hovering over me has been.

I'm very affectionate with my children; it's just how I am and I couldn't really imagine being otherwise, but still I think I haven't really been enjoying my children as much as I'd like to and that makes me feel pretty sad. I've been so wrapped up in just surviving each day and then the next and then the one after that, maybe until the weekend when Yubo's here to help carry the weight and then there's Monday again. So my focus is on keeping the day going - bathroom, breakfast, dress, brush teeth, shoes, school, lunch, pickup, bathroom, nap, and so on. I don't stop very much and just take it all in.

K doesn't usually take a morning nap anymore and even when he wants to, I try to keep him up otherwise he won't take his afternoon nap, which means I don't get my scheduled break from the kids. That break has been my lifeline, my deep inhale. For so long the burden has felt so heavy; I nearly felt crushed.

But today, K was tired and actually asked for "nigh nigh," which he never does anymore ("NO nigh nigh!" is the common refrain around here lately) so we climbed into my big bed together and he curled up on my pillow with his silky in one hand and his mouth wrapped around the thumb of his other and fell asleep. And I'm sitting here, not running around trying to clean the house (though, admittedly, I am blogging), but I'm watching him sleep, something I haven't done for so long. He is so beautiful when he sleeps. Being two, he so is nearly always on the move and I'm not used to seeing him so still. He has these long, elegant fingers and his upper lip has the most perfect curve and his eyelashes are like two miles long.

I don't want to be negative anymore. I don't want to lose sight of how spectacular my children are, how kind and empathetic and gentle and silly. How well-behaved and bright and curious they are. How they are mine to love and raise and slowly let go into the big world. How incredibly blessed I am to be their mother.